kerrylitka.com|small things considered

I needed a new pair of jeans. In the last 20 years, I have purchased exactly 6 pairs of jeans.

1992 - bought a pair of size 2 Gap jeans that mostly fit but were too long
1993 - bought a pair of Levis, not sure what number, but they were 25 waist and 26 length and fit perfectly and were a nice style…for 1993 (they are so horribly out of style right now that any day now they might come back in style)
1994 - stupidly purchased a pair of men’s 28w/28L jeans from J Crew thinking they fit me
2000 - bought a pair of Old Navy size 0 straight leg boot cut jeans that my mom hemmed for me, I love those dearly but they are alas too big for me now and I need to roll the waist band, otherwise the crew on the international space station would be able to see my thong
2001 - bought a pair of size 1 Indigo rinse straight leg boot cut Gap jeans that were like, 3 sizes too big, ended up giving them away
2006 - found a pair of Bongo dark rinse size 0 jeans at TJMaxx for $10, cut the bottom 7″ off to make them fit, and have pretty much worn them exclusively ever since

Yeah, that’s it. I have painful memories of being 14 years old and in the dressing rooms at Filene’s, attempting in vain to try on pair after pair of Guess jeans, only discovering that they were all way too big (remember, when I was 14 years old, Georges Marciano was using Claudia Schiffer in the ads and Guess Jeans were, like, the shit).

Today I decided it was time for my semi-millennial trek to the mall in search of jeans.

19 pairs later, I left with a minor amount of success. If by success, you mean “needs approximately 6″ lopped off the bottom and can pull them all the way down to my ankles without unzipping the fly”, then yes, we successfully found a pair. For the most part, the Gap Limited Edition Slim Fit Low Rise Boot Leg jeans worked (they just need to visit a tailor).

What didn’t work?
Let me tell ya…
Anne Taylor Petite Size 0 - way too big and too long (so, how is that petite)

Aeropostale 0 regular Chelsea fit - too loose in the hips, too long everywhere else; size 00 - too tight in the quads

Vigoss Bootcut size 0 jean - acceptable fit, but too long and had these rediculous button down back pockets that resembled traffic cones sticking out of the ass 
                                                                            
Hollister Extra Slutty™ size 0 short - they fit splendidly, if exposing the top half of your ass is what you are looking for (seriously…why put in a zipper that is only 1.5″ long? Save money and just add an extra button to the fly)

Arizona Jeans Bootcut size 0 short -right length, but too tight on my cyclists quads

Some random crappy cheap brand in DEB, one of the slutty clothing stores on the second floor of the mall - too tight to fit over my runners calves.

And then there are about 11 other pairs I’d rather forget about.

Basically, there are 3 main problems with jeans:
Even “short” or “petite” length have a 29″ inseam. I need like a 26″ inseam.
If they fit my waist and hips, they don’t fit over my quads.
If they fit over my quads, they are too big for my waist and hips and they fall down.

Then there are the style issues:
If you are under 5′8″ you really should not wear flare jeans. If you are under 5′2″, you can’t wear flares. (Personally, I think flares should just hurry up and go out of style already, they are hideous and look good on absolutely no one).
If you are an athlete, you cannot wear the new “skinny” leg styles, because your quads/calves won’t fit into the “crack whore/Asian call girl” fit.
If you are an athlete, you most likely don’t have a gut or a big ass, so the looser fits that work over your muscular legs overwhelm you tinier hips and ass and stomach.
If you are short, everything is too long.

Oh wait, I get it now. Apparently one is supposed to wear 4″ stiletto spike heels with the jeans..riiiiigggghhhtttttt.

If you are over 30 and don’t want to look slutty in the Hollister Butt Cleavage™ revealing styles, you really have no options.

Speaking of Hollister..WTF is up with that store? I go in there, and it’s so damn dark I can barely see anything, there are teenagers everywhere making out on couches, then I get into the damn dressing room it’s like getting dressed in the dark, with only the bare minimum of light making it’s way in through the cracks in the vented doors. I half expected a scantily clad couple to be in there getting it on, or used condom wrappers on the floor, or something. Every time I go in there I feel like I need to take a shower after I leave.

Back to the jeans. What I need is low rise (because I am short and need less material from crotch to waist), short length (shorter than a 29″ inseam, people), straight leg (to fit over my athletic legs), boot cut (to make me look normal and not like an upside down pear), and a little more fabric in the ass (because I am not a crack whore).

The way I see it, it’s not a lot to ask for.